Loss
by Twilight-Falls
Summary: What if Ichimaru Gin was not a traitor, but a spy for the Soutaicho? What if he were to die in the war? What if the truth were revealed after his death? How would Rangiku deal with this revelation?
1. Tis better to have loved and lost?

_Just a little idea I had for a story. I haven't actually ever written RangikuxGin, but I like it. It came from me being incredibly depressed and then resorting my anime merchandise collection._

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Matsumoto Rangiku stared emptily at the still full bottle of sake on the desk in front of her, oblivious to the tears coursing down her cheeks. Every time she closed her eyes, there **he** was, with his beautiful silver hair, and that stupidsmug_adorable_ smile of his. She let out a choked gasp.

"Gin" She had been there to watch him fall. The weather hadn't even had to courtesy to be raining. No, the sun had been shining happily, while her life fell apart, and the only man she had ever loved died because she didn't believe in him. Her head dropped to rest on the desk, her folded arms providing a barrier between her and the world. She sobbed, wretchedlybrokenly_helplessly_ because he was gone. The one who always protected her, even to the end. And she couldn't protect him. She couldn't just return that one little favour. She just couldn't trust him enough to risk a broken heart again, she had killed him. He was gone…no, he couldn't be gone! Gin was _always_ there, smilingloving_holding_. He could _not be gone!_ But the treacherous voice in the back of her mind spoke up, reminding her of what Urahara had said

"_Aizen created a device that not only kills, but _obliterates_ the soul. It does not allow for reincarnation…I'm sorry Matsumoto-san, but he's gone. For good" _

Words no longer sufficient, Matsumoto screamed into her inner world, a wordless, breathless cry of losspain_failure_, joined by Haineko in a harmony of anguish. A knock at the door disturbed her. She looked up, not even bothering to wipe the tears away. Who cared now?

"Come in" She said softly, her former playfulness lost. The door slid open softly and the fukutaicho of Twelfth Squad bowed respectfully to her, the other members of the Shinigami Women's Association arranged behind her. "Kurotsuchi-san" Rangiku nodded to her. The girls who all felt such a great debt of thanks to the strawberry-blonde fukutaicho entered and walked softly over to stand in front of the Tenth Squad fukutaicho.

"Matsumoto-san. I… _we_, the Shinigami Women's Association have made you something." She bit her lip before continuing, with that same soft, caring tone that made Rangiku want to scream at and hug the girl. "You know that the words and actions of all taicho and fukutaicho are recorded by the Twelfth Squad?" The other fukutaicho nodded her assent "Well…when Ichimaru-sama and the two traitors left, their files were virtually destroyed. However, there were a few things that remained" The strawberry-blonde tried to rid herself of her apathy. She was talking about her Gin! "Ano…It's not very much, but we transferred the vocal files to this device, without listening to them, and decorated it…there was one picture, you see…" Rangiku focused suddenly on the black-haired girl in front of her. Something of Gin's? "It was found inside his pillow in his room…" She handed the package over to the grief-stricken girl.

Rangiku opened it slowly. It was a small shape, silver, like **his** hair, roughly the shape of an egg, although thinner. It fit in the palm of her hand. She ran her fingers over it curiously, turning it over, and stemming back the upwelling of sobs that threatened to tear her apart. It was an old picture, resized and mended and carefully stuck to the item, so it looked as if it had been painted on. It was a picture of him, of her darling, beloved Gin. And he was holding her, pointing at something. She swallowed harshly, remembering that night. He had taken her out to see the winter fireworks in Rukongai – a 'congrats on being a fukutaicho, Ran-chan. Even if it is to that prissy, icy, little genius' present. She hadn't even known he'd taken a photo – let alone that he cherished it so much. Her hand twitched involuntarily, trying to hold it closer than was physically possibly, accidentally pressing on the picture – which was, in fact, a button. Three phrases, disjointedunconnected_terrible_ came from the little white memento

"Bai bai!" Cheerfulsarcastic_funny_ "Sayonara" Sorrowrepentance_longing _"Gomen ne" Honestregretful_wrong_.

The women who had brought her the gift looked at each other, wondering if they had gone wrong by making it. Matsumoto had listened to the three sound bites, the last three solitary remnants of the one she lovedadored_betrayed_, and her face had collapsed on itself, her arms wrapped around her stomach, trying to hold in the pain that felt like a hole was ripping itself in her, making her hollow, making her _a_ Hollow, because surely she couldn't cope with this terrible painanger_brokenness_ any more. Surely she couldn't, she couldn't she couldn't.

The last thing the Shinigami Women's Association heard her say before she fell into unconciousness was a broken whisper

"It wasn't your fault. It was mine"

"**It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" – thus says one who never truly loved, and therefore only imagines how easy it is to move on, to live a life that you never imagined could exist without the one who somehow became the centre of your world**

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_(hides) I know, I know. You probably hate me now... Please, please review though. I've never written angst before and I want to know if it is actually any good. Oh, and I have a possible second chapter for this, if you guys think it's good enough and think I'm far too cruel for leaving Rangiku like that... But I won't know if you think that, and therefore if I should post the next bit unless you review _


	2. Grief and Sorrow

_Hello! Twilight here, yes it's an update of Loss! Rejoice! Yeah…I didn't get many reviews or anything…but Blazing Aurora's been bugging me, cos unlike most of my work, she'd only seen Chapter 1 and she got all upset (awww, bless…) so yeah, also I have to say this – I LOVE Reader Traffic! I never IMAGINED that my stories could be read by people all across the world! I think the only continent that wasn't represented was the Antarctica. Of course, America was the country that the highest amount of readers came from, so this chapter is dedicated to Reader Traffic and to any of you reading this that are from/in America! Oh, and please review _

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A gentle countryside, of rolling hills, murmuring brooks and twittering birds. Peaceful and serene – at least, until you notice the only two occupants of this haven of beauty. A lady who looks to be somewhere in her mid twenties, with waist length, Strawberry-blonde hair, and clear blue eyes. Well, that's how she looks normally. Now, her face is streaked with tears, and her eyes are clouded with pain. Her hair is matted and knotted, as it hasn't been brushed for days. She is mostly concealed by a giant cat, with light grey fur. Around her tail, there was a light pink silk ribbon. Neither knew where it had come from, only that it had appeared after Rangiku's first birthday after graduating the Academy, coinciding with the gift of a scarf of the same colour from **him**. The cat seems protective, almost motherly, to this broken girl, who was so vulnerable.

Rangiku clutched desperately at the fur of Haineko, as if it was her only lifeline. She buried her face in her soft, silvery fur (so like **his** hair). The grieving pair had lost track of time. Who _cared_ anymore if it was day or night outside, or how many days they had been there for? What did that matter anymore? Anyway, since that day, it was always day in Rangiku's inner world. Rangiku _hated_ the daylight. The sunshine that made others open like flowers had never brought her anything but loss and pain. It was night when **he** always returned, when they lived in Rukongai. It was night when **he** took her to carnivals, to see the fireworks, and held her so gently, as if **he** was afraid she might break. It was night when **he** had proposed to her, such scant days before the 'betrayal', and **his** departure.

It was day when she had thrown the ring (silver with a heart shaped moonstone, framed by two smaller sapphires) into the river, weeping, yet cold. It was day when they graduated from the Academy, and she watched **him** leave her, and walk off with Aizen to **his** new Division, leaving her with a sense of uneasy foreboding, which was all too quickly laughed off. It was day when she rejected **him** on the battlefield, too full of selfhurt to see the pleading in **his** eyes. Too selfish, too _blind_ to help** him**, to save **him** from **his** tortured nightmare.

She rocked gently, cocooned within the warm embrace of the only one who understood. Sure, the others tried to. She saw their pity when they avoided mentioning **him**, their gentle, caring sympathy. Even her own taicho made no demands of her, but carefully dragged her out of her room every morning and let her sit on the couch in his office, as if it was the old days again, before calling one of her old drinking buddies and pushing her at them, hoping that spending an evening with them would help her heal. A white-hot rage surged through her. How could they! HOW COULD THEY! They thought that by pretending it had never happened, she could heal, her life could go back to normal? Didn't they understand…! The rage died, quickly, leaving emptiness.

"Didn't they understand?" She whispered plaintively "I won't heal. I can't." Haineko whimpered next to her, her giant fiery eyes almost drowned by the tears she had never before shed. She was part of Rangiku's soul, and was more similar to the female Shinigami than Rangiku had ever admitted before. She was strong, a warrior, she did not succumb to emotion, but surpassed it and used it. Only now she felt, like Rangiku, that without Ichimaru Gin, and his beautifulkind_deadly_ Shinsou, that there was no longer a point.

Both females were lost in their grief, and so never noticed the slow materialization of another figure in their private sanctuary. The tall figure looked sadly at the two who were in so much pain. He reached a hand towards them, then paused and drew back. He knew why he had come here but suddenly, now he was here, he was hesitant to do what he knew he had to do. He silently observed the oblivious duo, wrapped up in each other and their thoughts. The grey of Haineko and the strawberry-blonde of Rangiku blurred suddenly, and he raised his hand to his eyes, wondering why, only to find his hands suddenly damp. Blinking, he realised it was tears that marred his usually above human eyesight. He could not remember having cried since those dark, isolated days, when he had not been found, when his identity was known only to himself. He dashed away the tears with a sudden movement. He blinked again, to find himself staring straight into the wide, startled and somewhat wary eyes of the feline zanpakuto. He stared back, hoping to convey the message hidden there, and not wanting to disturb the Shinigami half of Rangiku's soul. The great cat blinked slowly in acknowledgement. For hours, it seemed, he stood, hesitant and wary, yet with a definite purpose. Still, the sight of the broken woman before him was enough to weaken his resolve, and biting his lip, he turned to go. The motion must have caught her eye, for she stopped him with a low "Wait" He turned back, bowing his head to her. She frowned.

"How did you get here?" Thinking more she added "and who are you?" The man strode towards her, tall and strong. He bent down, kneeling so as to be on her level and reached out gently to her, wiping away some of the tears that still spilt from her eyes.

"I do not know whether you will believe me, Ran-chan, but I am Shinsou…" Rangiku gasped and drew back. Before she could deny it, Haineko butted her with her head.

"It's true, Rangiku. We have met before in this place." Rangiku's hope was almost completely swallowed by her confusion and wariness.

"Then…?" Shinsou saw the silent plea in her eyes and shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Ran. The Shinigami half of my soul is truly gone. I only survived because our souls were so closely knit together that I was able to take refuge in your soul when we realised what Aizen was doing." She reached out, and grabbed his arm desperately.

"But you…you're not going? You can stay here?" She swallowed harshly, and then spoke in a softer tone "Please, Shinsou… Do not leave me." Before she knew what he was doing he had her caught in a tight hug.

"I'm not going anywhere, my bright angel" She clung to him, new waves of sorrow and joy rising as he used Gin's old pet name for her. A gentle hand brushed over her hair. "You will be the only Shinigami with two separate zanpakuto, Ran. I always said you were special" Shinsou's voice had the mischievous lilt in it that Gin's had always had… before they had become Shinigami and he had been forced to _change_. "And I will always be with you, my bright angel." She giggled then, and drew back from him, to look him in the eyes.

"Hehehe… They kept telling me 'He's still with you, watching over you and protecting you…' I guess they didn't know how true that is." She smiled, wiping away the tears, which were not replaced by fresh ones for the first time in eons. Shinsou rested his hands on her shoulders and looked at her seriously, although she was sure that there was still a spark of mischief in his eyes.

"Ran-chan. Gin wanted you to know, he always regretted not telling you what he was doing, even thought the Soutaicho forbade him from doing so. He loved you until the very end, hey he even sent me to you so I could look out for you. Do not refrain from using me in battle, become stronger and make both of us proud" She raised an eyebrow.

"I became very good at Gin-translation. That means 'Make as much mayhem and chaos as you can – no one'll blame ya for it cos ya still mourning. Shinsou'll help ya, and if you carry on wallowing in grief I'll find a way ta reconstruct myself an' haunt ya til ya give in!' doesn't it?" Shinsou rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.

"Ehehe. I guess you really _do_ know us too well. Yeah, that's the gist of it. Though I think he wanted you to focus on those prissy, stuck up captains." He grinned widely. "And yes, I'm more than happy to help." Haineko nodded, twitching her tail in anticipation.

"Me too, Rangiku. Not just with the mayhem though." Rangiku blinked in surprise.

"You'll help with the training?" Haineko nodded. She may in the past have been lazy and irresponsible, but now they both had a goal to aim for.

"Yup. Anyways, it'll be easier to get away with things if we can become a captain!" Rangiku grinned suddenly.

"Watch out Seireitei. I'm a woman on a mission!" She paused. "Wait, how do I get out of here again?" Haineko sighed.

"Honestly. All these years and you can never remember." She reared up on her back paws and cuffed the Shinigami around the head, knocking her unconscious. The last thing she saw before everything went black was the disbelieving and more-than-slightly-amused face of Shinsou.

**Those whom we love never truly leave us. They live on in our memories and our hearts, and their memory protects and strengthens us**

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_This is not the end. There is one more chapter, and then it's over. I am going to have to rework that chapter before I post it, as it was very rushed. Yeah… PLEASE REVIEW :)_


	3. Epilogue: Life goes on

_**Voila! The epilogue of Loss! Yay! My first non-one shot has been finished! (does the happy dance of DOOM) This chapter is a little shorter, as it is just tying up the ends, and fun things like that!**_

_**This chapter is for Renji's Girll, who reviewed both chapters, and was so annoyed with me for killing off Gin... :)**_

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No one asked what had happened when she woke up. Sure a lot of people wanted to know, but Matsumoto Rangiku had many friends amongst the Shinigami, and questions like that were soon met by a zanpakuto to the throat and a particularly graphic threat. Matsumoto's personal favourite moment, as she knew about virtually all of them, although her friends tried to keep them from her, was when Nemu stood up for her. The usually shy Twelfth Squad lieutenant had sent twenty seven Shinigami to Fourth Squad. They refused to say what had happened, but ever since, all she had to do was look at them and they would offer themselves as willing slaves to Matsumoto's every wish. They also had an unexplainable phobia of aubergines.

So no one asked where the second sword that looked so similar to that of Ichimaru Gin, former captain of Third Squad, and Hero of Seireitei came from, or why it was hung above her desk two days after her awakening from that strange coma. Not even her captain dared to ask why she suddenly put so much effort into learning and mastering bankai; virtually smashing all records, as if her zanpakuto was in complete harmony with her – something that even the Soutaicho wasn't sure that he could say. Nevertheless, this feat successfully made her the new captain of Third Squad, and it soon became normal practice for that squad to find their taicho already present when they arrived, look up at them and grin cheerfully as she announced the tortu-training that she had planned for that day. Isane Kotetsu, Fourth squad lieutenant dared one day to ask if she had kept the item the Shinigami Women's Association had made for her. Her reply was an enigmatic smile, and as she turned away, a little disappointed, but understanding, she could have sworn she heard that thrice-cursed voice say "Bai bai!" But of course, when she turned around, Rangiku was looking totally innocent, and staring at the distant clouds.

Rangiku was not healed. She knew that no matter how much her friends and that irritating psychiatrist marveled that she was 'coping so well, she would not ever escape the emptiness inside. However, after having awoken, she did find things easier, and was able to get through life without wincing every time she saw a firework, or smelt persimmons.

However, she realised that she truly was healing when one day she came across Zaraki Kenpachi and Yumichika comforting a sobbing Yachiru. She realised that there were others who had lost people and made her way over to the Eleventh Squad members. She knelt down by the pink haired child, who threw herself into the older lady's arms. She patted the pink head softly and murmured.

"Those we care for never really leave us." Yachiru pulled back, a confused look on her face. Rangiku smiled mischievously. "People like Ikkaku, and Gin, they leave something behind" She lay her hand over her heart "In here. There will always be a part of those who you love in your soul, because they love you too, and do not want you to be alone, or to miss them." The young Shinigami blinked at her, and then grinned widely in understanding, tears forgotten. She smiled again, and stood, nodding to the two men, both of whom looked bemused. Zaraki was looking particularly put out at the fact that such 'girly' words had soothed his lieutenant. Rangiku knew that Yachiru did not yet fully understand, but she would. After all, eventually she would find her Shikai… Rangiku grinned mischievously and walked purposely over towards the Tenth Squad headquarters. After all, if she had this time off from training her squad, why not use it to further traumatize her former captain? She tucked her hair behind her ears. After all, Gin – or Shinsou, had told her to make him proud…

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_**As you may have guessed, I LOVE this story. However, this is all I can come up with for it, it seems to end nicely there and I think to write more wouldn't work - I'd have to come up with a whole new plot, and it'd lose the nice focus on GinXRangiku... Therefore, if you have an idea of a oneshot offshoot of Loss that you'd like to see, please tell me in a review or PM. If it's something I think fits, and think I can write, I will write it for you, and dedicate it to you. If not, I have a li'l challenge for you (and yes, it is **_**just_ because I want to be able to read stories like this and can't find them anywhere.)_  
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**Twilight's Challenge**

**Write a Bleach story in which Gin was not in fact a traitor. He can be anything else you want, but he cannot be on Aizen's side, and should preferably be loyal to Seireitei. Rangiku can have known all along, or her finding out can be a part of the plot. Doesn't have to be angst, but main pairing has to be GinXRangiku.**

_**Well, if you do decide to write one, please can you review here to tell me, or PM me so I can read it? Thanks! You guys make my day when I see how many of you read my work :)**_


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